John’s story

Back to “Mini-Retreat for a Big Breakthrough”

The problem I took to the Mini-Retreat for Big Breakthrough:

“My main issue was with my grown up sons who didn’t reply to my messages. 

I get easily triggered because I have a strong need to be valued. No doubt it has to do with my father.

No matter what I wrote to my sons, there was no response. No indication of what they thought.

The only thing I knew was that they saw the messages because Facebook displayed the ticks for “message seen”.

The lack of response left me to assume that they are not interested or that they don’t value me.

It was frustrating and painful.

Especially that I asked specifically: “Could you give me a yes or no answer as I don’t know what your silence means?”.

Even though I clearly expressed my need, they ignored it.

It was painful as it reminded me of my father ignoring my needs when I was a child.

When I asked him to stop smoking in the car, for example, his response was “Why should I? You are the child and I’m the adult here”.

So now I get easily affected when I don’t feel I am being considered. I feel angry and that I should just withdraw and forget the whole thing.

 

What changed

A couple of days after the Mini-Retreat, I contacted  my younger son again and got a reply AND a conversation!

I said that I feel sad, not knowing how to take the silence and that feedback would give me some ease.

This time though, I expressed it from a place of acceptance. I could really feel that if he didn’t call again, I would take it as it is. 


But he WAS open to hear from me. I guess it helped that I could speak without trying to blame him. 

Because I was relaxed, he was relaxed too and we could just say things to each other. It happened!

What made a difference

Our call went well because I felt relaxed and before I was angry.

It was possible to relax because from the place of acceptance I could understand HIM.

His choice had nothing to do with me. He just needed some freedom and space.

Because it wasn’t about me, the trigger wasn’t there anymore. 

I could connect with the quality of acceptance because Dorota had said something about my pain being caused by my THINKING that I am not valued.

My need to be valued was not met because I was THINKING I was not valued (when my son didn’t respond).

But I can value myself!

If I value myself, the trigger from what others do is not so strong anymore. If I value myself, my need to be valued is met. It doesn’t depend on external provision HAVING to be there.

It’s a real breakthrough that I have changed my perspective on feeling valued!

How the Mini-Retreat format helped

The Retreat format played a huge role in connecting with this.

I think it was that we had the whole day and that the house and the surroundings were so spacious and beautiful.

With all this nature around as well: I could really see and feel what it’s like to have spaciousness inside.

Since the Retreat, I noticed that the energy of spaciousness/acceptance is showing up in other places too.

For example, I have more self-acceptance of what’s going on in me.

Acceptance brings spaciousness. Spaciousness brings relaxation.

And, obviously when I’m relaxed, I get better response from people.

For me, these qualities are very important to play with right now. When I connect with them, I feel different.


Benefits continue

I’ve noticed that when I feel tight, I can remember how I felt on the day of the Retreat and I can bring the feeling back.

For example, I had a call this morning and remembered to create some spaciousness around it rather than squeezing stuff in and be under huge pressure.

I was more able to LOOK for spaciousness so I would feel more relaxed and self-connected.

In fact, I have borrowed this term “Mini Retreat” to use with my partner. It has a particular quality to it. It invites you to create space, to relax.

If I notice we are feeling tight from chasing tasks, I call for a Mini Retreat so we can operate in a more spacious way again.

The Retreat was an inspiration for this and has made an impact on several levels.

Who should do the Mini-Retreat

I really enjoyed Dorota’s care and feel grateful for the day.

I would recommend the Mini Retreat particularly to parents or people who look after others and don’t have enough spaciousness for themselves.

A day like this, to care for your needs and concerns, will refill your energy tank.

Spaciousness makes all the difference!”

John, Teacher working in UK